One learns to live with the loss, the tragedy, the waste, and the gaping hole in the fabric of one's life. There is no closure, nor would I want one. I want to remember him all my life, vividly: his laughter, the smell of his sneakers under his bed, his moments of joy, his humility, and his integrity."

If you have lost someone to suicide, the first thing you should know is that you are not alone. Each year over 33,000 people in the United States die by suicide -- the devastated family and friends they leave behind are known as "survivors." There are millions of survivors who, like you, are trying to cope with this heartbreaking loss.
Survivors often experience a wide range of grief reactions, including some or all of the following:
Shock is a common immediate reaction. You may feel numb or disoriented, and may have trouble concentrating.
Symptoms of depression, including disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, intense sadness, and lack of energy. 
Anger towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or yourself. 
Relief, particularly if the suicide followed a long and difficult mental illness.
Guilt, including thinking, "If only I had...."
These feelings usually diminish over time, as you develop your ability to cope and begin to heal.